i could do this all day

I learned a lot the past few years sitting around doing nothing all day. As a primary caregiver, my job, beyond keeping Them alive, was to play. Kid games. Imagination games. We played cars. A lot. "Cars" consists of pushing cars slowly from one side of the house to the other. Slow. Deliberate. Attention.

There were moments when I’d feel this itch in my body, a desire to do something, to seek the next thing. What’s happening in the world? What is everyone else doing? Am I missing it? All the gears that I suppose should be moving. All the looming huge accomplishments that require accomplishing.

But instead of pursuing a dream, finishing my opus, or even just updating my website, I slowly push tiny cars from one side of the house to the other, pretending there are people I love inside. "Hey, mom. You're going to take the route over the couch? Cool." Sometimes focusing on how they move. Them tiny whittle wheels. Sometimes intently watching how E pushes them. So slow. So deliberate. So attentive. The whole of Their being in the act.

The attention, the focus. At the moment. On this happening. It gives an act life, purpose, and meaning. Or, in truth, those behaviors respect the life, purpose, and meaning inherent in the moment.

And so for the past couple of years, at my best, I wasn’t lost to a scroll or some grand goal. I lived my life doing nothing of great importance with all the importance in the world.